how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
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his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
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I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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