what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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