I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
