i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
