Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
