When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize