Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
