You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
