Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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