I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
