Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
