I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
