i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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