i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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