True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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