Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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