I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
