I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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