my vag is so smooth its legendary
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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