ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
