tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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