she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
