the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
