at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
