I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
