I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
