It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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