I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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