My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
