remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
