i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
my shit smells like andre
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
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I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
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Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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