Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
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Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
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