she woke up with a sticky ear
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
