At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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