my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
