And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
we should paint friendship bongs
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize