He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
