he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
