apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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