Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
