Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
