Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
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Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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