My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
