it was like his penis was on wheels.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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