Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
