her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
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he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
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i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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