In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
