I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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