I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
