hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
