i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
