he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
