Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
