The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
