She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
