my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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