there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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